How to Get Your Ass Kicked by A Mountain: 11 Easy Steps

Tahoe, California, United States

How To Not Ski Down a Mountain

Step 1: Go skiing on a very popular holiday weekend

Step 2: Follow your husband and friends to the steepest part of the mountain ‘to avoid the crowd’.

Step 3: Choose the ominous run devoid of ‘recently groomed’ sign

Step 4: Do not stop and wonder why the particular run is empty despite of Step 1

Step 5: Completely ignore the impending sense of dread as you look down the precipice of what seems to be a 90 degree drop

Step 6: Freak out and curse your beloved husband really loud as you unexpectedly slide the first 15 ft down

Step 7: Slide a further 10 ft down while trying to stand up

Step 7a (optional): Give the 7 year old girl who just skied passed you the ‘death stare’ and wish her a lifetime of wearing braces

Skiing down Stampede in North Star
The red patch buried in snow is me

Step 8: Fall ungracefully on your side and uncontrollably roll down the slope until stopped by a big mound of powder

Step 9: Spend 5 minutes extricating yourself from the said mount of powder

Step 10: Repeat step 8 and 9 until you reach the bottom

Step 11: Congratulate yourself that you just ‘roll’ down the steepest run in the resort with a steaming cup of hot chocolate with extra whip cream.

Then write about it.

If you’re curious, the resort we went to was Northstar-at-Tahoe and the run is called ‘Stampede’. With a name like that maybe I should’ve known better?

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24 Replies to “How to Get Your Ass Kicked by A Mountain: 11 Easy Steps”

  1. Hahah, great story. Love step 7a 🙂 I have never done any skiing myself, but I bet my experience would be quite similar to yours!

    1. Hah, and it did actually happen. My consolation price: she was with a private instructor. I'd like to think that if I ever had a personal instructor, I'd be a super awesome skier like her too :p

  2. Oh, that's too bad. Skiing on powder is a lot of fun! But super tiring at the same time (or maybe it's because we just suck at it, lol)

  3. Just finished going through a similar situation trying to keep up with my father-in-law….currently looking at knee replacements 🙂

    1. Seriously… that's what we were saying as well throughout that weekend, 'I wish we'd brought our spare hips/knees'. Hah!

    1. Au contraire, my friend. I love skiing… and I'm usually not bad either. In my defense, it was very steep, knee high in powder, and mogully. I hate moguls. But I hate little kids who are really good at moguls more.

  4. A very funny story. It brought back many memories of when I did ski and would get myself in some similar situations. Now that I am "old" I just don't want to fall that much so I stick to less challenging runs.

    Thanks for making me laugh. . . I needed it today!

  5. Love it! As an Australian, powder is something I don't see a lot – I managed to get stuck waist height in powder on my first Canadian ski trip at Lake Louise – had to stick my hands in to find the ski that was surely there somewhere!

    Whenever I ski I keep a leaderboard – mountain vs Claire. Guess who normally wins.

    1. That was my first time skiing in that condition. It was such a blast even though skiing on powder turns out to be much, much harder than I expected — I'm sure it's because I'm not used to it. But thank god that even when you fall the marshmallow-y powder would provide a soft landing.

  6. Haha! Sorry to laugh at your demise Jill, but this post was hilarious! I could write something similar about my *one* experience skiing…but mine would include: "Step X…fall down right as chair lift is coming and get smoked in back of head with said chair lift." Yeah. There's a reason I don't ski. 🙂

  7. I always skied Northstar growing up and have been on every run on front side but never got brave enough to tackle the backs side – and this was before Lookout Mountain opened. At least the hot chocolate part sounds good.

    1. I didn't know you're from the Bay Area! Yes, 'Stampede' is on the Lookout Mountain — very steep. I can handle steep, but steep + ungroomed + powder = Jill rolling down the mountain.

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